I was having drinks with a good male friend recently lamenting about the fact that we as Kiwi’s aren’t ‘truthful’ enough with each other.

So he took that as a personal challenge to speak ‘the truth’ to each other about why we are single.

I told him he was predictable and needed to have an edge and he told me I came across as intimidating.

He was right.

However, this is a relatively new concept I’ve encountered since moving back to NZ. In all my time in Denmark, the UK or Australia, this word never came up.

I’ve done a lot, seen a lot and want to do a lot more. I will challenge you and speak my mind. I can be direct and I don’t see conflict as scary. I can also be kind, funny, thoughtful and caring. It just seems it’s the former qualities rather than the later ones that seem to have the most effect in New Zealand.

It’s funny because if I turned to someone in Denmark and asked that question, they’d most likely say I’m fussy and haven’t met the right person. I was told there that I was independent but never intimidating.

Which leads me to wonder. In order to win in the dating market in New Zealand, does it require women to be significantly more sweet, receptive and soft?

I once asked my dad, “What should I do on a date to make a Kiwi man feel more like a man?”

He replied with “well you just need to shut up because when you open your mouth and seem to know a lot about a lot of things the guy suddenly thinks oh holy heck she knows a lot”.

So I tried this the next time I was on a date. It resulted in him talking for 3.5 hours with no break.

Difficult dialogue a headache

The one nationality that I’ve found a near perfect match for my personality is Americans. Their combination of confidence, self-assurance and outspokenness meets me where I am, and we seem to just get on with having fun.

I was pretty taken aback when I dated an American earlier this year. He was only 25 but his confidence, directness and boldness kicked it out of the park.

So if this is a Kiwi thing, is there hope for me in my homeland? I’d like to think there is, but according to many of my British friends, there isn’t. Many of them have simply told their Kiwi friends to leave the island.

The funny thing about this is that amongst my female friends, I don’t think I’m an abnormality. They’re all pretty similar to me. Many are foreign though and many don’t live here so it’s hard to make cultural comparisons in this regard.

In my mind, there are two solutions. I bring to fore some of my softer qualities, or I just find men who are willing to take on someone pretty strong. Failing that I just move to America.

I don’t believe you should change your core personality for anyone – that’s shit advice. I do believe however that you should reflect on how you are perceived.

Perhaps Dating the Danes deserves a sequel… is it time for round 4 in Copenhagen?

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